Its 1:33am Im absolutely shattered I’ve spent most of the day last minute packing and trying to cram whatever I can into the 30kg weight limit. The flight is on Friday morning but I’m staying over at my nans tomorrow and then we’re leaving from there. But lets back track a bit. So much has been going on but then at the same time not much either. This post has been sitting in my draft for way too long so here goes!
In 2010 I sat my A Levels at the all-girls High school where I had been a student for the past 7 years. My life’s been fast forwarded 4 years ahead. It’s no longer 2010 I’m no longer the naïve school girl with her hand bag clutched tightly facing the University’s entrance in a new and lonely part of London. I’m officially a Law graduate. I’ve done it, I survived it. As well as having to cope with uni life and all its warts I also had a lot of personal family issues to contend and cope with.
I feel this weird sense of nervousness perhaps slight excited anticipation for the future and where my path will take me next. But for now at this point I have something to pull me up when I’m feeling down. I survived a law degree; I fought each day sat through each class, each exam, each 2hr long lecture. I stayed kinda sane and even if I don’t feel like it at times, I know now that I did this. I somehow achieved this, so when the doubts start to kick in. It doesn’t matter because I made it this far, I made it, I know I am capable. I can do anything I set my mind to and ‘I’m going to aim for bigger and better things’ as one of my friends wrote in her congratulations note to me.
At the same time I feel like I’ve left the safe realms of the education net. They’ve released me into the ‘real adult’ world, sent me off to fend for myself. I’m not so great with change I ponder a lot on the past and this chapter is no different. I’m going to miss those long Tuesdays with Pri, surviving the boring 2hr lectures on employment law, those 4pm classes when everyone was headed home and we were sat in class trying not laugh at Barry’s weird facial expression and his frequent zone out moments. The tube journey home together discussing the latest current affairs or me going on some feminist /or [anti-feminist] rant depending on the situation. It’s always the simple things isn’t it?
I was speaking to one of my friends from outside of uni and she was telling me that everything happens for a reason ‘but look at you now, in this moment of time you’re at your strongest. When I first met you you were really shy and quiet but the last couple of years since. You’ve changed, grown, you’re stronger now’ This made me look at it from a different perspective and its true. Alhumdulilah. Sometimes challenges in life change us for the better and enable us to grow and develop as people but we’re so busy, fighting on that we don’t even realise we’ve already won some of our battles. At one point in time those battles seemed impossible to us, but we overcame those moments. With hope, faith and determination.
The time out
Last year it was announced that my younger cousin was going to be getting married in the Easter of 2014. It’s a tricky time everyone is in the midst of exams/work etc and you tend not to be able to get enough holidays off. but Somehow I felt this was all falling in place at the right time. I would be finished from uni in January and then I thought why not go away to Pakistan for 2 months. I felt like I needed this. So it’s just the bride, mother of the bride and myself off on Friday. The rest of her siblings,her dad and nana will join us in three weeks.
The past couple of years I’ve had to deal with a lot of family politics as one does in desi households. But now I feel even though my Daadi wont be there waiting for me. I feel strong enough to travel there to face the family stuff and drama head on, standing straight and tall. I suppose I’ll get a chance to say a proper goodbye to my daadi and our family home. I know she will always be with me, it will be good to gain some sort of closure.
Too many people are getting married in the family, lets hope I return without having fallen for any mundah. I can not be dealing with that in my life right now. One thing I know for sure is I never return from Pakistan the same, it always has some sort of profound effect on me, so lets see what it has in store for me this time!