Warrior

lettersI saw something the other day it said  ‘Be a warrior not a worrier’  you all know which one I fall under and always have. My family know and bless their hearts my friends know it,but its what I do best. I like to plan, I like to know beforehand so I know my path, I know which way to go. I start to worry if I’m off on the unbeaten track. but it seems when I look back at the last couple of years. It hasn’t ever gone the way I had envisioned, more on that in a later post I think.

Recently I’ve been trying to reinvent myself, as one does. I don’t want to be a worrier any more. There’s not enough years in life to be wasting with worrying constantly. I turn 22 next Tuesday and yes I’m scared at how easily 22 years have passed.

I don’t know whether its the books I’ve read or the movies and the sweet things Noah does for Allie, or the intensity with which he loves her with. But something from the original young girl’s dream has developed and its running away wild and wont back down. I don’t want to settle, that’s becoming my fear more and more often that I’ll have no choice but to settle.  ‘I’m looking around me and everyone around me seems to be. If you don’t, then you risk the chance of being a sitting duck and passing your expiry date. Enduring the invisible finger pointing, the parent’s lectures and the not so hushed whispers that seem to vibrate from the huddled group of aunties.

When I started university a couple of years past. I was different naive even, I lacked life lessons, still do. During high school I was the quiet one, this carried into my first year at uni.  I struggled, but it built me.  Forced me to toughen up my skin. I’ve always taken time in everything I do, this was no different . But the second year brought me confidence, sisters at isoc and lots of  laughter and strong shoulders to lean on. I started noticing a guy at uni. It’s totally terrible but I first noticed him in the prayer room. Wh-at?  the door was ajar, I happened to be walking by!  I guess uni changes us all in different ways. He was never the type to be seen in there. Perhaps I had never taken to him before  because I hadn’t thought he was Muslim.  It was just a silly crush, I’d get over it right? not a thought was given to him over the summer and longer. But cummon don’t deny it, there’s a certain allure to the reformed bad boy isn’t there?

This last semester was slightly weird I’m not saying it was anything but we always seemed to make eye contact in rooms busy with big crowds. And no I’m under no illusion that I’m in a bloody Bollywood scene but it intrigued me. His whole group of mates would be sprawled all over the lobby, laughing and conversing loudly and he was usually the quiet one. There’s nothing like the quiet tough looking guy is there? So thus he was named Mr Tuesday (frequently sighted on Tuesdays ofc)  I only told one of my friends about all this bakwas and the first thing she said was “whoa really? he looks like a thug!”

What I’m trying to get at through all this is, is that I don’t fall for the conventional Efrons and Goslings. Although who would complain if you happened to bag one? I’ve seen people around me, family and friends ‘settling’ because they knew and believed they couldn’t have the Noah’s, so they settled for waaay less. Keeping their parents extremely happy and themselves well, who knows it may work out better for them, only time will tell.  I don’t actually really know what I want, I’m under no illusion that I’m a princess or anything. I want the ‘average’ guy but just not the ones our parents seem to dig out. But then on the other hand it’s not as if I can easily go around picking out guys and proposing to them.

A couple of weeks ago we received a hand written envelope through the post. Now those envelopes are rare in this day and age. This envelope didn’t contain any letters they contained photos of a guy. Generally as a family we don’t do the whole ‘photo/CV’ thing. but this post came from my aunty’s friend. She had been bugging my aunt for a while, to speak to us. So my aunt did, she asked my parents. There’s no harm in looking they said. I told mum from the beginning, that the fact they were in a massive hurry and seemed desperate were making my alarm bells ring. His visa must have been running out. Funny that, it was. My parents seem to think I’m late already. At 21 I’m running out of bloody time, as several younger cousins have become engaged/married they’ve grown more frantic. But there’s an issue, as with many other western desis, its difficult finding someone outside of the family circles. My aunt told me the guy in the photo didn’t mind what the girl looked like he just wanted someone nice. that hurt. Whoever I find has to love me for me. Is that too much to ask for? Ok perhaps not a love as extravagant as the movies and literature but just that simple love and respect. Right now at 21 well 22ish I’m still holding onto hope for that, it has to come. I’ve got the time to pray for it yet, before the expiry date arrives. But before that I’ve got many things I want to achieve and reach. They’re simple things but nonetheless they’re goals and thoughts for another day.

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2 thoughts on “Warrior

  1. Interesting confessions. When I was at University – not long ago. I remember, me and my University crew were perceived to be thugs on campus. The type of wealthy-family-gangster-good-for-nothing-teens, what didn’t help was that 99% of us, although studying different degrees, had all been and come from private boarding schools – this meant that we were naturally segregated from the common folk, frowned upon and often questioned that we were different – and not by choice. As time passed at University, and we realised that ‘freshers’ week had ended about a year and half ago, we did what we had to do – put our heads down and graft for a first. This is when perceptions of people changed about us – we were no longer those thugs, no longer those snobby private boarding school educated twats, we were now hard working, clever thinking dudes, where our crew circle was now wanting to be joined by those from outside – we didn’t mind. So, as you can imagine, our crew count from year one of about 10 quickly, over the coming years, shot up to around 30 or more. Surprisingly most were Brit-Asian girls. They quickly learnt that not only protection was on offer here, but a chance to get some good marks in modules thus achieving a higher degree percentage. Everyone buzzed off us, those within our year wanted to be part of our crew.

    I noticed (along with other in our original crew of 10) that as soon as the Brit-Asian girls in our, now expanding, crew come into their 20’s, they suddenly started to take us serious. By serious I mean, wanting to pair up, commit, and from that I take wanted us as their partners. For us, we weren’t interested, we were at University to study hard, party hard, enjoy the experience and get first in our degrees – but suddenly towards the final years of our University study period, these girls priorities changed – getting a degree wasn’t just the only thing they wanted, they now wanted a partner, someone who can be their life long partner.

    In recent years, its began to make sense why they had suddenly changed when entering their 20’s. It wasn’t purely their fault, but it was family pressure, it was the case of elders and parents wanting them to settle down, get married as they perceived being in their early 20’s was getting late for their marriage age.

    You posts just brings back those memories and gets me thinking of why such pressures are empowered on girls as soon as they hit 20’s. I must admit, while we were at University, we (the original crew) couldn’t give a sh*t about them or their feelings – we were arrogant to their pressures but now, and especially in recent years we have began to understand what they faced in University and at home.

  2. sorry for the much delayed response! i could literally write a whole essay on the topic but there’s not enough space i think. thank you for your comment, it really cracked me up although im finding it difficult to imagine you as one of those gang types. i know i don’t physically know you but just you talking about it was hilarious,it cheered me up! protection from what by the way?

    I understand a lot of guys and girls go into third year with the sole purpose of trying to leave with a spouse. For me i always said the studying came first if anything else came along it was just an added bonus nothing to dwell too much on. but what you’ve written about I’ve seen. its so embarrassing the way girls make themselves so desperate and you can see them clinging onto guys and there’s really no need for that, they need to relax a bit and cool off. I think the majority of the time its our parents fault for placing such a huge pressure on us but its up to the individual to act cool and behave with dignity intact!

    several of my mates got engaged in the second year and here was me thinking, unless hes a businessman how are you going to afford a place of your own, bills etc im far too practical most of the time but its true ive seen far too many girls jump at the shiny rings without giving a proper thought to the responsibilities that come attached with marriage and not to forget the in laws etc. Study, get your foot on any ladder become independent and then settle down at least you’ve already gained the skills and experience, even if you don’t work you’ve always got that back up if required. Suppose im drifting and that stuffs for another day!

    Allah swt always knows best so unbeknown to my parents theres a reason why i havent found the one or that Mr tuesday hasnt sent a rishta (not that they would have agreed) Theres a time for everything, but right now i’ve got a chance to do something in my life, so im going to try and drag my butt out of bed each day and do something useful!

    im looking forward to reading something new from you soon, something related to the Simran diaries would be awesome!

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