I saw something the other day it said ‘Be a warrior not a worrier’ you all know which one I fall under and always have. My family know and bless their hearts my friends know it,but its what I do best. I like to plan, I like to know beforehand so I know my path, I know which way to go. I start to worry if I’m off on the unbeaten track. but it seems when I look back at the last couple of years. It hasn’t ever gone the way I had envisioned, more on that in a later post I think.
Recently I’ve been trying to reinvent myself, as one does. I don’t want to be a worrier any more. There’s not enough years in life to be wasting with worrying constantly. I turn 22 next Tuesday and yes I’m scared at how easily 22 years have passed.
I don’t know whether its the books I’ve read or the movies and the sweet things Noah does for Allie, or the intensity with which he loves her with. But something from the original young girl’s dream has developed and its running away wild and wont back down. I don’t want to settle, that’s becoming my fear more and more often that I’ll have no choice but to settle. ‘I’m looking around me and everyone around me seems to be. If you don’t, then you risk the chance of being a sitting duck and passing your expiry date. Enduring the invisible finger pointing, the parent’s lectures and the not so hushed whispers that seem to vibrate from the huddled group of aunties.
When I started university a couple of years past. I was different naive even, I lacked life lessons, still do. During high school I was the quiet one, this carried into my first year at uni. I struggled, but it built me. Forced me to toughen up my skin. I’ve always taken time in everything I do, this was no different . But the second year brought me confidence, sisters at isoc and lots of laughter and strong shoulders to lean on. I started noticing a guy at uni. It’s totally terrible but I first noticed him in the prayer room. Wh-at? the door was ajar, I happened to be walking by! I guess uni changes us all in different ways. He was never the type to be seen in there. Perhaps I had never taken to him before because I hadn’t thought he was Muslim. It was just a silly crush, I’d get over it right? not a thought was given to him over the summer and longer. But cummon don’t deny it, there’s a certain allure to the reformed bad boy isn’t there?
This last semester was slightly weird I’m not saying it was anything but we always seemed to make eye contact in rooms busy with big crowds. And no I’m under no illusion that I’m in a bloody Bollywood scene but it intrigued me. His whole group of mates would be sprawled all over the lobby, laughing and conversing loudly and he was usually the quiet one. There’s nothing like the quiet tough looking guy is there? So thus he was named Mr Tuesday (frequently sighted on Tuesdays ofc) I only told one of my friends about all this bakwas and the first thing she said was “whoa really? he looks like a thug!”
What I’m trying to get at through all this is, is that I don’t fall for the conventional Efrons and Goslings. Although who would complain if you happened to bag one? I’ve seen people around me, family and friends ‘settling’ because they knew and believed they couldn’t have the Noah’s, so they settled for waaay less. Keeping their parents extremely happy and themselves well, who knows it may work out better for them, only time will tell. I don’t actually really know what I want, I’m under no illusion that I’m a princess or anything. I want the ‘average’ guy but just not the ones our parents seem to dig out. But then on the other hand it’s not as if I can easily go around picking out guys and proposing to them.
A couple of weeks ago we received a hand written envelope through the post. Now those envelopes are rare in this day and age. This envelope didn’t contain any letters they contained photos of a guy. Generally as a family we don’t do the whole ‘photo/CV’ thing. but this post came from my aunty’s friend. She had been bugging my aunt for a while, to speak to us. So my aunt did, she asked my parents. There’s no harm in looking they said. I told mum from the beginning, that the fact they were in a massive hurry and seemed desperate were making my alarm bells ring. His visa must have been running out. Funny that, it was. My parents seem to think I’m late already. At 21 I’m running out of bloody time, as several younger cousins have become engaged/married they’ve grown more frantic. But there’s an issue, as with many other western desis, its difficult finding someone outside of the family circles. My aunt told me the guy in the photo didn’t mind what the girl looked like he just wanted someone nice. that hurt. Whoever I find has to love me for me. Is that too much to ask for? Ok perhaps not a love as extravagant as the movies and literature but just that simple love and respect. Right now at 21 well 22ish I’m still holding onto hope for that, it has to come. I’ve got the time to pray for it yet, before the expiry date arrives. But before that I’ve got many things I want to achieve and reach. They’re simple things but nonetheless they’re goals and thoughts for another day.